Taken From Under My Wings
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| Image from Google |
I knew it was coming but I couldn’t stop it. It’s that pain every mother feels. That gut-wrenching, ripping, tearing when one of her children is yanked out from her covering pinions.
The culprit. Independence. A time to prove myself. A time to cut the apron strings, the hovering.
The lure. Adventure. Excitement. Freedom.
The reality. It takes more than just an age on a driver’s license. More than just a need to spread one’s own wings. More than just a lark.
He placed the flyers, contracts, information sheets carefully in my hand. He said he wanted my opinion but he’d already made up his mind. Highlighted in yellow was the application fee, the security deposit, the hold fee. Above the yellow block was the rental cost.
What happened to the talks we had just a few nights before? What happened to the list of things he wanted to accomplish before he moved out with a friend? Why rush into this? (I already knew that answer.)
I stared at the computer screen, then glanced at the papers in front of me. Shoulders slumped. He saw me there and quietly sat in the chair behind me.
“You’re not happy?” he questioned me. My body language spoke volumes.
“What do you think about the apartments,” he continued before I had a chance to answer reasonably.
How do you respond to a factual question that is wrought with emotional overtones? “Oh, I think it’s a great deal.”?
I tried the accounting approach that would keep my raw feelings undercover.
“Have you considered the utilities on top of rent? How will you afford your car insurance as well? Do you know for a fact that you will be getting that higher paying job? Did you ask about the lease and what would happen if you had to break it?” the gentle interrogation went on.
“And what if you don’t get along with your friend after awhile? How will you handle that?” the tone became a little more incriminating. “How are you going to return to college in the fall with a full time job and other responsibilities?”
His silence dropped the bomb. He was not going back to college in the fall. Maybe next spring.
The exterior facade cracked. I could not hold back the figurative finger wagging any longer. I reminded him of his promises to return to school in the fall. Of the importance of a college degree and a career plan. Of his promises to wait until he was more stable financially. Of the wisdom his father had poured out the other night.
He wanted to know why I was being so negative. I countered with a reasonable observation that I was being realistic.
I stopped and looked at his face. He was trying so hard to be calm, to prove he had considered all these factors, to move in love into the next stage of life.
My heart was racing, my head spinning, my stomach twisting in knot.
But I knew. I knew I had to let him go. To let him go in love. To practice what I had just heard at Bible Study last night. “Abandonment (of my will and plans) to God is freedom.”
I knew I had to trust the Lord to shelter him under His pinions.
“Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. …Trust in him at all times, O people; POUR OUT YOUR HEARTS TO HIM, for God is our refuge. Psalm 62:5,6,8 NIV
Is God asking you to trust Him in a special way? To abandon all to Him because He loves you?
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mmm…tough to see them go…i am sure he heard it all but if you fight it it will only alienate him..support him and love him if he returns…
Happy WFW…I LOVE that pic. It also reminds me of My fav verse ….but they shall mount up with WINGS as an eagle….
Blessings to u
Ouch! That must be so incredibly painful! Sometimes I think I don’t ever want to be a mother so I don’t have to face those moments. I think your response was pretty amazing, really.
oh, janis, i do not look forward to the day when my son moves out… you captured your feelings so well, and the tension, the give and take, and the final release… well done friend.
You captured the moment so eloquently – thank you for sharing something so deep – painful yet natural – like childbirth! I think of Paul when he said “I am in labor with you again till Christ is formed in you…” (Galatians 4:19).
Blessings on your family!
Thank you all for your comments on this very difficult subject. Your thoughts encourage me along the journey.
From My Heart to Yours,
Janis
I’ve enjoyed catching up …
I remember walking through this transition with my son. It’s not an easy one for sure.
Susan,
Thank you for your kind words. They bless me more than you know.
From My Heart to Yours,
Janis
Oh Janis, I very much agree with Emily in how you expressed yourself in this writing. You are an amazing writer and the reader feels what you feel as they are reading it. Thank-you for your honesty in sharing with others.
Other mothers will benefit from your experience,as hard as it was. (2Corinthians:3-5) God is using you!! –and I am so PROUD of you!!!
Love you,
~Ceal~
Wow! Great application of your bible study! Now you must go under the wings of the bird. ( I may not have phrased that thought correctly.) This is truly a test for you to let go of that boy who is desperate to fly. Now the next step is up to you. Wow……..I feel your pain and anxiety because I have been there. I am still there where I see my bird making bad choices, but we pray and leave the rest to the God who loves them more than we do and who has a plan for their lives. Maybe it is the only way he will learn how the world works. I have a plaque that says: TEENAGERS: Tired pf being harassed by your stupid parents? ACT NOW!!! Move out -get a job, pay your own bills while you still know everything! (I don’t like the word “stupid” but that is what the plaque says.)This is so hard and I will pray for you continually bringing our hearts before the Lord. I love you, Janis and the Lord does even more!
Karen
I only know this story from your son’s side and that need to be independent, strong and still cared for, it’s big. Loving him through this with open hands and open arms can only do good.
Oh the letting go is so hard! I know the feeling of the tearing of your mama heart!
Thank you so much for your encouragement on my imperfect prose post!
OH Yes! The moving out anf moving on into anotehr part of adult hood. So very hard. We have to let go anf let them spread their wings. Oh not fun atall. I had to do it three times many years ago. I so feel the pain and anguish in your post. my prayers and heart go out to you. If only they would hear and see . That we truly ahve their best interest at heart and that we have been wehre they are.
I will be praying for you.
May the Lord bring you His perfect peace adn rest that surpasses all understanding and that he would be with your son as he grows in thsi new jounrey in his life.
Blessings
Bethe77~Thank you that you know my pain and will be praying for me and my son on this new journey in his life. So hard!
elizabeth~thank you for your empathy in feeling the tearing of my heart.
Joybird~thank you for your perspective. It’s always good to hear the other side as well.
From My Heart to Yours,
Janis
Janis – First of all, sorry I’ve missed so many posts – been out of town and super-busy.
This post really struck home. I had a similar situation with my youngest son a few years ago. He felt strongly about an education decision, and I didn’t agree with him. I didn’t think it was a wise move. But, in the end, I had to ask myself this question – “Do I love my expectations of my son, or do I love my son?”
I chose to love him, and try to let go – not just to let go of him to his own life, but also to let him go into God’s hands. I’m still working on both…
My prayers will be with him, and with you and your husband. Know that God knows…
GOD BLESS!